George Carlin - Wikiquote
Maybe We Can Try Again Lyrics: I've been staring at your photograph / Wondering where you're at today / And I've been hanging by the telephone / Hoping that you'd call home and say / But you told me A little candlelight and slow dance And I'm wondering why I couldn't see I'll give you some roses, more romance. George Jones Saddest Country Songs they'll say, 'No, you must be straight'/ What we are and what we ain't, what we can and We can only wonder what last song was sad and sweet enough for the death row .. Not just one of country music's most evocatively ripe lyrics but maybe also its most acute. Bittersweet poetry Lyrics: I promise after this song I won't write no more about Maybe we'll meet again, when we are slightly older, and our minds less hectic.
Then they think you're just fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. These people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? You know what they are? Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women.
They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens See, nobody can do it!
You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? You don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh?
Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fucking people alone for Christ's sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. You'd think they'd make natural allies. Don't look for consistency in religion.
Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! Has been for thousands of years! Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. The sword of god, the blood of the lamb, 'vengeance is mine'; millions of dead motherfuckers. Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to The God Question: Do you believe in my God? The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it?
You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors'. Or 'I brake for advanced melanoma'. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E.
Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh?
You know how we got it?
We made the whole fucking thing up! A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.
This is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt!
You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball. Must be another one of those "miracles. Sort of take them in? Is that such a strange notion. Does experience need to be documented and brought home and saved on a shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Everything was handed to them. And they took it all: But now they're staring down the barrel of middle-age burnout, and they don't like it. So they've turned self-righteous.
They want to make things harder on younger people. They tell 'em, abstain from sex, say no to drugs; as for the rock and roll, they sold that for television commercials a long time ago They're cold, bloodless people. It's in their slogans, it's in their rhetoric: They went from 'love is all you need' to 'whoever winds up with the most toys wins'.
And they went from cocaine to Rogaine. And you know something, they're still counting grams, only now it's fat grams. And the worst of it is, the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV for Levi's loose-fitting jeans and fat-ass Docker pants, because these degenerate yuppie Boomer cocksuckers couldn't keep their hands off the croissants and the Haagen-Dazs, and their big fat asses have spread all over and they have to wear fat-ass Docker pants.
Fuck these Boomers, fuck these yuppies—and fuck everybody, now that I think of it. Just trying to make you feel at home. Opening Living in this country, you're bound to know, every time you're exposed to advertising, you realize once again that America's leading industry, America's most profitable business is still: High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure, American bullshit. And the sad part is, is that most people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources: Parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are full This entire country is completely full of shit, and always has been.
From the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution to the Star-Spangled Banner, it's still nothing more than one big steaming pile of red, white and blue, all-American bullshit. Because, think of how we started. This country was founded by a group of slave-owners who told us all men are created equal. Oh yeah, all men, except for Indians and niggers and women, right? I always like to use that authentic American language. This was a small group of unelected, white, male, land-holding, slave-owners who also suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote.
Now, that is what's known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit. And I think Americans really show their ignorance when they say they want their politicians to be honest. What are these fuckin' cretins talking about? If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse!
No one would know what to do! Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? Dole kept saying "I'm a plain and honest man.
People don't believe that! What did Clinton say? He said "Hi folks, I'm completely full of shit and how do ya like that? At least he's honest! And the proof of it, the proof of it is, they don't even trust each other.
They don't trust one another. When a business man sits down to negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him outta his money. So he's gotta do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. And he's gotta do it with a big smile on his face.
You know that big, bullshit businessman smile? And if you're a customer — Whoah! Customer always gets that really big smile, as the businessman carefully positions himself directly behind the customer, and unzips his pants, and proceeds to service I am servicing this account.
This customer needs service. Now you know what they mean. Now you know what they mean when they say, "We specialize in customer service. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told.
And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time But He loves you!
He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise - somehow, just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story I decided to look around for something else to worship.
Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Overnight I became a sun-worshiper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?
Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan.George Michael - Careless Whisper (Official Video)
Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine.
Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up Your Plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will?
It's all very confusing. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! Well, they don't want you to get an infection! And you can see their point: It would take all the sportsmanship out of the whole execution.
The Beatles - Songs by George Harrison
Why, these bunch of goddamn pussies! You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore. They cook the shit out of everything now, 'cause everybody's afraid of food poisoning! Hey, where's your sense of adventure? Take a fucking chance, will ya? You know how many people die in this country from food poisoning every year? That's all - it's a minor risk! Take a fucking chance, bunch of goddamn pussies! Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for?
It's for killing germs! But it needs practice. It needs germs to practice on. So listen, if you kill all the germs around you and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you're not gonna be prepared.
And never mind ordinary germs. What are you gonna do when some supervirus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna get sick, you're gonna die, and you're gonna deserve it 'cause you're fucking weak and you've got a fucking weak immune system! No muss, no fuss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments of interest 'til September.
But limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money. Offer good while supplies last. Two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. So come on in. Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff.
Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. And if you act now, we'll include an extra added, free, complimentary bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
Actually, it's our way of saying, "Bend over just a little bit farther, so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper! He's a cocksucker in disguise. He's got his mouth open 'cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now, do you wanna keep making noise, motherfucker, and we can find you that way, or are you just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud motherfucker and you're gonna shut up now so we don't find out where the fuck you're sitting?
And I'm fucking her in the asshole every night anyway, so fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that, you stupid cocksucker? Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here! See … You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person.
We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. We have a daughter in public school who hasn't been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet.
But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus he knocked up your daughter. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus. If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car.
My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. That will be all, officer. You can throw him back on the pile. Why are there ten? You don't need ten. I believe the list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten.
About 5, years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people, how to keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around God had given them the Ten Commandments.
Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why- because ten sounds official. Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number, the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed.
So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision. And it's clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document, artificially inflated to sell better. I give you my revised list of the two commandments: Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket, and I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment: A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist.
Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. First with these fucking Christians. You just start with them. You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. You ever notice that?
Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. And they all vote. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that they're the only ones who vote. There's a reason for this, there's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better.
We'll Meet Again () - IMDb
Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got I'm talking about the real owners now The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You have no choice. They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations.
They got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying. Lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it.
They want your fuckin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something?
You and I are not in the big club. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice.
And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food This country is big-time pig time Change the bald eagle to a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. Especially the fucking people! Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat motherfuckers walking around?
Huge piles of redundant protoplasm, lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses.
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- George Carlin
The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies, monstrous thighs, and big fat fucking asses! Next time you're in the vicinity of one of these creatures, stand there for a minute and observe. And if you stand there for a minute you'll begin to wonder, "How does this woman take a shit? And more frightening still, how does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field?
Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. I'm tired of that asshole.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? I just saw him yesterday. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down.
In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself? I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush.
I call it the American Okie Doke. That's what they do with that kind of thing—pound it into the heads of kids, 'cause they know the children are much too young to be able to muster an intellectual defense against a sophisticated idea like that, and they know that, up to a certain age, children believe everything their parents tell them. And as a result, they never learn to question things.
Nobody questions things in this country anymore. Why would he give us a certain number of rights? The Bill of Rights of this country has ten stipulations, okay? And apparently God was doing sloppy work that week because we've had to amend the Bill of Rights an additional seventeen times.
So God forgot a couple of things. Just fuckin' slipped his mind. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. You see all, sooner or later.
Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety.
It simply does not give a fuck about you! It's interested in its own power. That's the only thing. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. When are they gonna outlaw this shit? Guy with a fuckin' pipe! It's an arrogant thing to place a burning barrier between you and the rest of the world.
It's supposed to imply thoughtfulness or intelligence. It's not intelligent to stand around with a controlled fire sticking out of your mouth. I say, "Hey, professor! You want somethin' hot to suck on? I'll give ya somethin' to put in your mouth! There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! I'm here to help. I've also grown weary of reading about clouds in a book.
Doesn't this piss you off? You're reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. Skip the clouds and get to the fucking. The only story I know of where clouds are important was Noah's Ark! Don Ho can sign autographs 3. Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic.
It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.
He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum.
Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic. There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them.
Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Try explaining Hitler to a kid. Everywhere there's lots of piggies Living piggy lives You can see them out for dinner With their piggy wives Clutching forks and knives to eat their bacon.
Creme tangerine and montelimat A ginger sling with a pineapple heart A coffee desert - yes you know its good news But you'll have to have them all pulled out After the Savoy truffle. Cool cherry cream and a nice apple tart I feel your taste all the time we're apart Coconut fudge - really blows down those blues But you'll have to have them all pulled out After the Savoy truffle.
You might not feel it now But when the pain cuts through You're going to know and how The sweat is going to fill your head When it becomes too much You're going to shout aloud - Creme tangerine.
You know that what you eat you are, But what is sweet now, turns so sour - We all know Obla-Di-Bla-Da But can you show me, where you are? One, two, three, four, one two Let me tell you how it will be There's one for you, nineteen for me 'Cause I'm the taxman Yeah, I'm the taxman Should five percent appear too small Be thankful I don't take it all 'Cause I'm the taxman Yeah, I'm the taxman If you drive a car car I'll tax the street If you try to sit sit I'll tax your seat If you get too cold cold I'll tax the heat If you take a walk walk I'll tax your feet Taxman!
Wilson If you don't want to pay some more Ah, ah, Mr. Declare the pennies on your eyes Taxman! The Inner Light Duration: I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping While my guitar gently weeps I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping Still my guitar gently weeps I don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love I don't know how someone controlled you They bought and sold you. I look at the world and I notice it's turning While my guitar gently weeps With every mistake we must surely be learning Still my guitar gently weeps I don't know how you were diverted You were perverted too I don't know how you were inverted No one alerted you.
I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping While my guitar gently weeps Look at you all. Still my guitar gently weeps. Within You Without You Duration: We were talking - about the space between us all And the people - who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion Never glimpse the truth - then it's far too late - when they pass away.
We were talking - about the love we all could share - when we find it To try our best to hold it there - with our love With our love - we could save the world - if they only knew.
Try to realise it's all within yourself no-one else can make you change And to see you're really only very small, and life flows on within you and without you.
We were talking - about the love that's gone so cold and the people, Who gain the world and lose their soul - they don't know - they can't see - are you one of them? When you've seen beyond yourself - then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there - And the time will come when you see we're all one, and life flows on within you and without you.
Recording commenced in studio two at Abbey Road on March 22 Album version mixed from take two. You'll never know how much I really love you. You'll never know how much I really care.
Lennon, McCartney, Harrison Year: Chains, my baby's got me locked up in chains And they ain't the kind that you can see Who-oh, these chains of love got a hold on me, yeah Chains, well I can't break away from these chains Can't run around, 'cause I'm not free Who-oh, these chains of love won't let me be, yeah I wanna tell you, pretty baby I think you're fine I'd like to love you But, darlin', I'm imprisoned by these Chains, my baby's got me locked up in chains, And they ain't the kind that you can see, Oh, oh, these chains of love got a hold on me.
Please believe me when I tell you, Your lips are sweet. I'd like to kiss them, But I can't break away from all of these Chains, my baby's got me locked up in chains. And they ain't the kind that you can see. Whoa, oh, these chains of love got a hold on me, yeah. George Harrison, John Lennon Year: Devil In Her Heart Duration: Well gonna write a little letter, gonna mail it to my local D.